Adoption Journey: Joseph Michael

I'm snuggling my little bug as I sit and write. I think it is really important to share how we were able to have this miracle, and what it was like for years waiting for him. We are forever grateful for his amazing birth mom Michaela who we love! She has given us the best gift, and I love this special boy.

 He has been prayed for for years, he is my whole world. I feel so blessed and so fulfilled.
( And don't even get me started on Ken, he LOVES his little son. He keeps telling me about how excited he is to teach him to cut wood, and go fishing and love spending time outdoors!)

When I was little, about 7, I decided that my beautiful blue baby blanket made by my aunt Tamara should be kept really nice and saved so that my baby could use it someday. Then I had this cute purple ABC blanket that had these cool half triangles as a border, about 2 inches at the peak, and so I used to suck on those instead of my thumb.
My blue blanket is waiting for Joseph at home!

I always played with dolls, and loved to dress them and change them and rock them- you get the idea. My mom made me a cute Raggedy Ann doll, a small soft bunny, and a huge bunny with little bunny babies. She also made all kinds of awesome outfits for them, and I loved to organize the outfits, and play dress up!

When I was 12, I read this book about a girl in Africa who didn't want to marry this old guy, so she ran away in search of some other family. In it she talked about how being malnourished she didn't start her menstrual cycle as normal, but when she ran away and was eating enough, it began. About a month later, I started mine! I was so happy, the first thing I said to my mom was, "Do you know what this means?! Now I get to have my own children. Yay!!" And I was super excited and dancing all around. That also meant I could start doing pointe in ballet.

Some of you may know that I began to get extremely sick when I was 14. I had endometriosis. But the doctors all told me that when I had a baby, it would get better and go away. I was told that for years. There was never a question that I could have a baby, it was WHEN you have a baby you will be better. I've had it half my life, and even though I recently had to have a hysterectomy, I still have endometriosis. Thankfully since surgery it has been much better, but this chronic disease is brutal.

When Ken and I were engaged we went to the fertility doctor together so I could get the Lupron shot. We both wanted to start our faily as soon as possible. Lupron would put me in menopause which would remove the estrogen and kill off the endometriosis. Many people use this treatment to help reduce pain, but also to prepare the womb to be viable for pregnancy.

My experience was not the desired outcome, and my pain actually got worse. If you are contemplating the Lupron shot, stay far away! Exhaust any and all other options before subjecting yourself to such horrible things!

We then went to the fertility doctor. I was given a medicine to help breast cancer patients in hopes of getting my body out of the Lupron induced menopause. This caused me to gain 30lbs in one weekend, and 70 over the course of 7 months. I have not been able to go back to my original weight, and because of the conditions I have, I probably never will. (Thankfully I still think I'm awesome and am loving writing my plus size fashion blog!)

We decided to stop fertility treatments for a while and give my body a break. That is when we were able to get pregnant. But my body has a really really hard time. I know I'm pregnant because I have severe bone pain, become crazy sick and nauseous right away, and have such severe reactions and pain that my body begins to shut down. So naturally it miscarries to save me.

IVF wasn't an option because I could get pregnant. And right before we would go in for our initial ultrasound I would lose the baby. Every time. When we moved to Show Low we lost our 3rd baby. She was due at the end of July. Right now!

I am 1/4 Cherokee, so my baby would be 1/8 native. Michaela is 1/4 Navajo, so our baby is 1/8 native! And Joseph came when our baby was supposed to! We have seen so many miracles and blessings. We will be forever grateful to our wonderful Michaela for the amazing blessing she has given us!

The other really difficult thing about this whole process was not only will I never be able to give birth, but my endometriosis will never go away. It was very difficult to grieve the loss of not only the opportunity to have my own baby, but promise of better health.

Once I came to terms with the knowledge of my lifelong struggle with endo, but also that I could never have a child, we opted for a hysterectomy. Being in menopause has definitely helped with my endo, but it is still there. And it is not good to be in menopause at 27, so we are trying different things to stay out of it. This means estrogen will be involved for at least 20 more years, so my battle with endo is anything but over.

But, discouragement cannot last in a happy soul. And obviously I am the most happy person ever. Seriously though, I have never met anyone as happy! I believe my joy comes from my knowledge and testimony that Jesus is the Christ, that this life is not the end, that families can be together forever, and that one day my body will be perfect.

We have fostered some amazing children, but none of them were meant to be forever ours. That was really hard, but we are so glad we listened to the promptings of the Lord, and now we have the most wonderful, beautiful, special baby we are blessed to call ours. I know that families can be together forever, and now we have our forever little one!

We will continue to foster, and are now on the foster to adopt track. This means that we will primarily get children who are already able to be adopted, or who will most likely be able to be adopted. But in all honesty, I am so thrilled to have our little Joseph Michael that if we aren't meant to adopt anymore, that is ok. He is so special and such a blessing.

Without the bad, we wouldn't truly enjoy or appreciate the good. I am so thankful I am here, that I stuck with it, that Ken and I didn't give up on our dream to have a family. I am overwhelmed by the blessings we have received, and this incredible gift and sacrifice to have Joseph here in my arms, and in our family.

I'm so grateful that I have relied on the Lord, and that I came to terms with things before my surgery. Because I had that closure and peace, it made pressing on endurable. And now we have had the surprise blessing to enter into a new season in our lives, which I cannot begin to describe our joy.

I know we all have trials, and that life is anything but easy. I am so grateful that I listened to the Lord's plan. Even though things did not work out like I had hoped when I was younger, and when I was 12, they have become more wonderful than I could have ever dreamed! I learned to really trust the Lord, that He knew what was best for me, that He would be here with me, and would and does help me through it all. When I gave up that control, I started to be free, to really enjoy the process, and have a more positive outlook on trials. I was able to endure the disappointments and difficulties better.

Whatever you may be facing, see my story, take what you need, and if you don't have the faith now, use mine. Look back and know that when I trusted the Lord, he was there for me, and I was ready to listen to what he would have me do. You can do it, although it may feel impossible now, you will make it. You will find happiness again. I know it!

Our House!!! and what the Prophet has taught!!

Yay! We are in our new home!! It's amazing! We love it here. We are getting our old house ready to sell, so if anyone is looking for a lovely house, we have one ready!

Our new home is big enough for however many children the Lord wants us to adopt! We are so thrilled! We have to wait for our license renewal then get this home inspected and switch to an agency up here that has contracts with 5 different tribes up here!

We are so thrilled and pray that we will be able to adopt soon! Please donate to our adoption fund, and share our story! We want to have everything the children and our family may need. We have the space now, which was the most important step to get going, now we just have to be patient.

So, here are some lovely pictures of our new house! it's painted a tan and green in EVERY room, so eventually we will repaint, but for now, we don't mind ;) We love our new ward and our new stake. The people in our church up here are so excited to learn and to try and do better. We had Elder Pina from the 70 come and speak to us on what the Prophet assigned him. The topic is about returning the Sabbath day to the Lord. Ken and I are very careful about keeping the Sabbath day holy, but we have some new ideas and traditions that we are putting into place to help us grow closer to the Lord and for our children to feel of the Lord's love.

Here are some things we are going to do after church each Sunday, whether we have children or not. Go over the Gospel Doctrine lesson for that week, listen to a conference talk, if we have children go over the lesson they learned at church that day, sing a few songs from the hymn book, pray to know who may need our help or prayers that week. Those are just a few things. I am so blessed to have a husband who has been sensitive to the Spirit and we have already set the Sabbath day as a holy day, and now we have added ideas to make the day a Holy and special one. What are some ways you keep the Sabbath day holy?

We know that Sunday is a day set apart that is special and for the Lord. If we take the time to rest and serve the Lord and grow closer to Him that our faith will be strengthened, and we will be ready for all the trials that come. And they do come. But having this sacred day to help us prepare for the coming week is a huge blessing, and we are so grateful to have been taught by many wonderful people, and on this topic assigned by our beloved Prophet.

So, here is our magical home where we are learning and growing, and can't wait for what lies ahead!

                                                                                                 First Batch of Cookies in the New House

 lookout window upstairs in the loft room                                         back porch

Our First Day!!!

 So HAPPY!!!! and we have a sweet Spiral staircase! And a cool loft that's open waiting for me to find some sweet fancy sitting chairs!

See that cool little knob on the door above the handle?                                                                                    It Rings this bell. Coolest Doorbell Ever!!!

Yes, in a storage closet is this little beauty. Because everyone needs to sharpen pencils in the closet.....

 This was our water filter..... we are blessed that Ken knew what to do!!

We are so happy here. It feels like home already, even though we aren't really that unpacked, as you can see in some pictures. But it feels like we were meant to be here. We are so blessed!!!

Part 2: Women who have affected my life

In Maine I learned many skills from the leaders and women around me. I just want to highlight these amazing women and show how years later the things we learn in our youth really do matter.

My senior Pictures

Some of my most favorite experiences were with Sister Quinn. She taught me how to pipe a fantastic huge gingerbread house made from scratch, how to cook, and how to throw large parties. She taught me the importance of enjoying the food you make, and being selfless and fostering and adopting! She would come to my school and pick me up so I could have free cooking and baking lessons from her, and now I'm an excellent cook. I know how to make homemade spaghetti sauce, how to organize a kitchen, how to make candy and caramels, and how to make delicious and healthy meals. She taught me how to be a homemaker and how important the kitchen was as a place for not only learning such things as cooking, but also the truths of the Lord and why the Gospel is so important. I make the chocolates she taught me to make, I make the meals she carefully showed me how to prepare, and I always think so fondly of my time learning with her. She was and is an amazing woman and I loved learning from her.

My senior Pictures

 

Next: Sister Call. She was my young women's leader and helped me achieve the equivalent of the Eagle Scout award for young women in our ward. She taught me the importance of making a home a welcoming and sacred place where people would feel comfortable discussing problems and have a friend to help find the solutions. She also taught me piano lessons, and believed in me and my dreams. She was so supportive of my dreams, and taught me so many valuable lessons about forgiving others, serving where there is a need and helping others with their callings in church. She taught me to be selfless and to look out for the needs of others first. She taught me that the most important thing I could do and be in life is a good and loving mother and wife, and stay strong in my belief in the Savior. I'm so grateful to her for her spiritual nurturing and helping me grow my testimony of the Savior. She was there in times of family crises and was there in times of joy.

I absolutely love these women and what they have done for me and taught me. I try to continue to emulate their amazing and loving qualities, especially their selfless service. I'm so grateful for the things they taught me and the support they gave me. Who in your life has made a huge difference on the person you are today?

Date, Turtle and Singing Time

It's big news people, Ken and I finally went on a date! It's been like FOREVER! It was sooooo fun! We went to the movies and saw Pitch Perfect 2. We love fat Amy, she's hilarious. I like the first movie better, but this was still super fun!!!

 

I know, I felt like a weirdo tourist asking a stranger to take our photo at a movie theater, but yep I did it. Awesome.

 

 

Then we met my parents and my aunt and uncle who I haven't seen in ages for fish and chips and prime rib and a live band! I seriously felt like a newlywed again, it was so fun to get out on the town!

Look at that handsome man! We had so much fun going out to dinner without little kids clamoring for attention. It is really important to do fun things with our kids, but its super important to go out together and not talk about kids!

 

 

Also our good friends gave us Miss Penelope! She is our sulcata tortoise. She is a baby. They sell them so if you want a baby turtle I can get you in contact! Penelope is very tiny, likes her heat lamp, does not smell ( which I really like) and can book it outside like you wouldn't believe!!



See how tiny she is!? So cute!!

 

Here we are on our first night with Penelope at our house!

she also loves her lettuce

 

 

And totally unrelated, but fun! I made a sing or dare game for music time and it was so fun! I asked the children a question about the songs, and someone would pick a song, but in the song pile there were a few DARE cards! The dares were fun and reverent though, like standing on one foot for 20 seconds or singing the ABC's. Then if they picked a song, another child would come and pick out the actions we would do during that song. It was so fun! And the children are so fun and great at the songs, I love to hear them sing!!!

 

So it's been a super fun weekend!

 

And remember, go on dates and have a great time!! and turtles are wicked fun!



10 Things I wish people had told me when I became a Foster Mom

Please note: we are not mad, offended, angry or resentful of anyone who has done #1-7 on this list, I just had to learn the hard way and I think it's important for people to know. :)

1. People who were your friends get mad: mad that you have children who have naptimes and bed times, and on game night need to be fed and changed and comforted mid game. Mad that you have to cancel, mad that you can't spend all your time over at their house listening to their problems.

2. People don't consider you a real parent: because I have no biological children, Mother's day was interesting. Some people were very supportive and kind, others made it seem like fostering made me less of a person and that I had no right to call myself a mom.

3. People judge: People who are supposed to be your support system judge your foster children. They judge the case they don't understand, they judge the color of your foster children's skin, they judge your choices to do what you do. And these judgments are not fair or kind.


4. You will see selfishness and selflessness in people you never imagined: People down on their knees, deep in trials give more than you could imagine and forgive in amazing ways. The hearts of these children are incredible. The selfish come from the adults who don't believe in giving people second chances and believe they know more about parenting children with difficult lives than we do. Hello people, we've been trained and trained and trained, we have been recertified and taught how to deal with rehabilitating our children, because that is our job. Get over yourself.

5. Foster moms can be the nicest or the most cruel: I've read so many facebook posts and blogs from foster moms and been so proud to be one of them, and at other times, so angry at how some behave or treat their children. I also have met some of the most amazing and giving women and families. Especially A.M.C. who volunteered to watch our children for free for an emergency surgery so Ken could be there when I woke up.


6. Everyone asks you if you are going to adopt the children you have: They don't care what the case plan is, they don't think the biological parents deserve a chance, they think you deserve these children, and a lot of people are very vocal about it, IN FRONT Of MY FOSTER CHILDREN! Not cool.

7. You will get bullied: Either by someone working for the state, other foster families, neighbors, people at church, people involved in the case, at some point with each case you will get bullied. It may be because you make someone else look bad by doing what you are trained to do, or it may be because you have a nice blouse on, who knows the reasons, but you will get bullied.

8. You will see miracles that others could only dream of: The miracles we have had have been amazing. Prayers are constantly answered, we are watched over by angels, and having these children in our lives is a huge blessing We have grown closer to the Lord and to one another because of numbers 1-7, and now on number 8 you see it's all worth it. The blessings that have come, the lessons we have learned have been life changing. And humbling. Now I look at others in a whole new light, and I look for miracles every day.

9. Your marriage will become a rock or will crumble: As newlyweds we wanted children. It was hard, but we both parent in the same style, and we both rely on inspiration from the Lord. Because we continually turn to the Lord and to one another ours has become a rock. We have to work at it like any other marriage, but we've been given miracles and blessings to become strong and solid.

10. Your view of the world will change: You will see miracles where others won't look, you will be uplifted by the Lord in times of difficulty and really appreciate it. You will find out who great friends, good friends and bad friends are. Your support system will be completely redefined. You will look at those less fortunate than you with respect, and you will fight hard for children who aren't even yours. And then one day, when you know you will have a child of your own, you will treasure and cherish it, and really thank the Lord for what you have seen and lived through.

Mommy Pretty, I love you. Here mommy flower.

Allergic Reaction, Life lessons, and Happiness

So I have the MOST amazing chocolate chip cookie recipe that I made up myself. ( I know, bragging is rude, but seriously, these are made with PUDDING! Amazing!!!) The cookie gets cooked all the way through but stays super soft and the chocolate chips are mini, so each bite is loaded with flavor!! I used some new organic eggs we got.

 In Maine we had our own chickens, and organic eggs are amazing! Although I HATED cleaning out the chicken coop, they just smell sooooo yucky! Also, our llama would back be into the feed room and shove her face in the feed bin and she was crazy strong, so not the fondest of farm chores.

Organic eggs or fresh eggs have an almost orange yolk, the white is a bit thicker, and you can practically see the delicious yummy protein goodness, so that is a plus. And they have a slightly different and stronger flavor, I highly recommend them!


So I also am in love with Cupcake Wars, and would love to have a bakery someday called the Pink Stiletto ( I have the shop, uniforms and menu already planned out ;) ) I've been trying to learn how to make my own cupcake batters that are original, so after I made some cookies I decided to try to turn the batter into cake batter by adding whipping cream. It worked very well, the cake is very moist and fluffy, but the middles fell, they didn't puff up. Surprisingly they didn't turn out dense or weird, they just didn't have much volume.

Does anyone know how much baking soda I should use in ratio to the flour? I think that will make them puff up instead of sink down.

But here's where things get exciting! So after eating 1 cookie, I see these weird spots on my thumb. It kind of looked like I had left my hand on something with a pattern that caused an indentation, but it wouldn't go away, and then I started to get worried!

 

I called Ken who was 20 minutes away donating platelets and plasma which takes FOREVER but saves lives so it's amazing that he dos that, but if he leaves before they are done, they can't use his blood. Then I got this rash.

I am so grateful to have an amazing and thoughtful husband, for his prayers for me, and for all the other prayers from friends and family on my behalf! I'm doing great!

 

It's a little hard to see in this picture but my skin started turning pink all over and these little red bumps started to appear. Then, my fingers, hands and wrists started swelling right in front of me, and fast! So I called Ken and as I was talking to him he said " Rachel, go unlock the door and sit down, you are sounding really confused, I'm calling 911". So I did, and the fire truck came! ( In less than 3 minutes too, we have an awesome fire station)

My chest started to get tight, I had a little fever, the rash spread and the itchiness got worse. Then my ankles started to swell and all these nice firemen and paramedics were there, calm as cucumbers telling me it was ok since I was still able to talk. I had taken Benadryl but it hadn't set in yet so they took me to the hospital.

 

Ken had to go get the kids so he came to the hospital for like 5 minutes then went to get the kids from school. My friend who is a PA was on shift so that was cool to say hi! They gave me some more antihistamine medicine and some nausea medicine, and just watched to see if the reaction would calm down. It did so I got to go home! exciting huh?! I told Ken not to eat the cookies or cupcakes and what does he do? Eats some!

 

But he didn't have a reaction so the doctor said that our bodies change about every 7 years and you can develop food allergies, so I just have to o one of those skin allergy tests and stay away from eggs!

 

So life lesson: don't be afraid of paramedics and firemen, they are very helpful, call 911 if you get a strange rash and have chest pain, and let your mom come get you and take you home. It just makes everything less stressful!!

 

So yesterday was exciting! I'm very happy to be fine and that the reaction was not worse. I'm also very happy to be using Thrive, because I had plenty of energy, had no discomfort besides the itching, and was able to think clearly about what I was allergic too, even though I was a bit confused from the reaction. Thrive isn't a magical cure, but it provides your body the necessary nutrients for it to function at it's best. I can only imagine what would have happened had I not been using my Thrive!

 

And Ken liked the cupcakes and is probably going to eat them all. If you have any egg free yummy recipes I'd love to try making them!! oh, and Benadryl is an excellent thing to have on hand, especially if you don't know you might be allergic to eggs!

 



 

Greif, Adoption and Gratitude

Sorry it's been a month since I've posted!!! January has been very eventful! I have lots of pictures and videos of our foster kids being adorable that I wish I could show you! I decided to fill you in on our process, where we are for adoption, what our goals are, and what's been happening!

First, Grief. It will be a year next month that I lost the first baby. Christmas and basically all of December was extremely difficult for me. I love our foster children but they will be going home, which is always a great thing, but I felt so empty on Christmas day. We were supposed to have our own baby in our arms to celebrate the holidays and be happy and enjoy every aspect. Christmas day was very difficult for me. I just wanted the present of our very own baby, the one who should have been born by then. So the holidays were very difficult.

We just got home from our trip to Utah so we are super tired!

 

I thought that after enough time would pass the grief would lessen, but it's only changed. I think one of the most disappointing factors is knowing that since I was 14 I was told me endometriosis would be cured when I had a baby, and that I would have no trouble having a baby. So not only did we lose 2 babies right before 6 weeks, we also lost the hope of ever having a baby, and having my endometriosis cured.

Grief is weird. I have learned about the stages of grief, but didn't understand that you can go back and forth between stages!! And there are several friends I know who have recently experienced great loss. My friends, I love you and we have been praying for you! I am so grateful to know that we have a loving Heavenly Father who watches over us, and that families can be together forever.

On to adoption! This has been very scary for me, and a little sad because I really LOVE LOVE LOVE newborns, and we may not get one to adopt. But I am learning to accept that just because I don't get a child 2 minutes old doesn't mean it won't be our child. And I've realized what a blessing it is to have Heavenly Father plant the seeds of hope and wanting adoption in my and my husbands hearts. Maybe we wouldn't be thinking adoption if we could have our own children.

I love this painting, it reminds me of how our Savior loves each of us so dearly!

 

The other big thing that many people don't understand or have even been rude to me about is the child we are looking to adopt. One day I said to Ken, " I think Heavenly Father wants us to adopt a child with Down Syndrome" and he said, " that's what I've been thinking too"!!! It was wonderful to us because we both felt it was the right thing. We have been working with an amazing woman named Gina who runs Sharing Down Syndrome Arizona. She has been amazing and has been keeping us in her mind and heart, trying to find our child. Please check out the web page and see all of the amazing things this woman has done!!!

We don't know what other children we will adopt, or if even the first child we adopt will have Down Syndrome, but we have seen time and time again the Lord's hand guiding us, sending us to the right people, inspiring us to reach out to the right resources, and we have seen many blessings!!

Gratitude!!! We finally found a state agency that will let us continue fostering with our current agency and just do adoptions through them. We are so excited! We have begun to fill out the initial paper work, and they are going to help us get on a specific file at CPS where there is a list of children ready to be adopted, and if any children come through our home and are available for adoption they will help us there. We tried to contact so many agencies, but they all wanted us to switch to foster with them as well, and we absolutely love our foster agency. Everyone is so nice and treats us like family.

We only have to take 3 classes, all in march, to get our adoption license since we are already licensed foster parents for disabled children. And did I mention that this agency is actually able to help you adopt a child with disabilities?!!! Almost every single other agency would only do foster children not considered disabled. I was so amazed at how much harder is it to adopt a disabled child than one with no disabilities. But we are so grateful to have an agency, and hope they take us on. Based on the initial paperwork they still could say no to adding us to their adoptive families, so prayers would be much appreciated!!

We are so grateful to have such wonderful children in our home. We did close down the Sutton Station Depot, but I felt it was a great success. I am so grateful I had toe opportunity to run it, and that even though only 3 foster families showed up on the day I gave everything away, a church who is starting a charity was able to come and take and use all the left over donations, so thank you so much to those of you who came and those of you who donated.

I love being sealed to Ken for time and all eternity! I love that we will be together in heaven, and our adopted children will be sealed to us and we will be a forever family even after this life That knowledge takes away the sting of death and grief.

 

 

I am so grateful to know that there is life after death, that Jesus is our Savior and Redeemer, and that despite all the trials we have faced in this last year, Heavenly Father has blessed us immensely. We know that the Lord has a plan for each of us, and as I look back at the past I see how He has been preparing me for the trials I am facing now. I know life may seem so difficult or lonely, or maybe you are dealing with grief or other trials, but please know that the Lord is there to guide you. I love the poem footprints in the sand, where a man asks the Savior why are there one set of footprints along my path? Why did you leave me Lord? And the Savior responds "I did not leave you, there is only one set of prints because I carried you along through your trials".

At the Salt Lake Temple Visitor's center!