Things lately

Well hello!!!
How are you? I know it's been AGES since I wrote last. so many amazing things have happened. I did my challenge and learned a lot from reading the ensign and scriptures, and the Lord has sent way too many miracles to count!!!!

and the biggest one is..... KEN!!!
I met Ken in july when I started going to my new ward. He was super funny but I didn't think we were anything more than friends! then I kept talking about him and telling everyone how awesome he is! so my dad finally said to bring him over for dinner. so I did and that was that. I spoke to Ken's dear friend Bridgette who was quickly becoming my dear friend! and we all went to dinner at red robbin. Bridgette said that I should go for it and that ken was awesome. I was so worried about being hurt and abused again that I was ready to give up on all men, but she urged me not to and that he would be worth it!
So he asked if he could kiss me and I said yes. then he took me out to the desert and we had a date watching the stars and a movie in the truck with lots of blankets! it was so fun and romantic! and of course he was always such a gentleman and never did anything inappropriate, which I was so grateful for and amazed. he is quite the knight in shinning armor. and he asked me to be his girlfriend.
I was afraid to keep dating him because he was so nice and so gentle with me, never getting mad and always supporting me. so I would pray and pray and the Lord in his tender mercy would keep giving me the sweet answer that Ken  was truly amazing and I should not let him go!
then he told me he loved me and I cried because I knew I had found my true love.
then one day he took me to the desert and taught me to shoot better then asked me to marry him. we sent out paperwork to the first presidency and it didn't take long. we aren't sure why we have to wait a year, but we love and trust the prophet so we decided to get married then in a year be sealed.
Then I started to panic because I was so stressed about planning a ceremony and getting all the family together, which made me start to get sick.
So I asked ken if we could elope and w went to vegas. I didn't want anything cheesy so we went to a little white wedding chapel and the ceremony was beautiful! The words of the ceremony were stunning, and we were so happy to just be with one another and have our special moment. we were in our matching superman t shirts, and got married in a beautiful little chapel. then we had a honeymoon in the bellagio hotel and it was so nice! they upgraded us into a better suite when I told them it was our honeymoon! and we went shopping and went to a huge buffet that was super nice and delicious!
we are so happy and everything is working out amazingly well! I feel so good about our plans. I have been so blessed and happy. We are going to have an awesome reception on the 12th and hope you all can come! and in a year we can get sealed!!!!
we love you all! thank you for your support and encouragement!!!!

New challenge

I decided I needed to not just stay stagnant with the Gospel and my testimony, but to actively find ways to strengthen it. I am working on getting a habit of saying morning prayers, and not just my rushed ones over breakfast. I have also made a goal to read at least one conference talk every other night. So far so good. I want these things to become a habit, but my goal is to make it through to September 1st. I learned in young women's that it takes 3 weeks to form a habit, so by the first I should be golden! :)

I've definitely experienced a lot of trails lately, but also seen an abundance of blessings. I found this talk from this last April's general conference, and felt it was written just for me! I am so grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life and the strength He gives me to carry on with hope and courage.

Mountains to Climb

By President Henry B. Eyring
First Counselor in the First Presidency

---

If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing.

I heard President Spencer W. Kimball, in a session of conference, ask that God would give him mountains to climb. He said: “There are great challenges ahead of us, giant opportunities to be met. I welcome that exciting prospect and feel to say to the Lord, humbly, ‘Give me this mountain,’ give me these challenges.”¹

My heart was stirred, knowing, as I did, some of the challenges and adversity he had already faced. I felt a desire to be more like him, a valiant servant of God. So one night I prayed for a test to prove my courage. I can remember it vividly. In the evening I knelt in my bedroom with a faith that seemed almost to fill my heart to bursting.

Within a day or two my prayer was answered. The hardest trial of my life surprised and humbled me. It provided me a twofold lesson. First, I had clear proof that God heard and answered my prayer of faith. But second, I began a tutorial that still goes on to learn about why I felt with such confidence that night that a great blessing could come from adversity to more than compensate for any cost.

The adversity that hit me in that faraway day now seems tiny compared to what has come since—to me and to those I love. Many of you are now passing through physical, mental, and emotional trials that could cause you to cry out as did one great and faithful servant of God I knew well. His nurse heard him exclaim from his bed of pain, “When I have tried all my life to be good, why has this happened to me?”

You know how the Lord answered that question for the Prophet Joseph Smith in his prison cell:

“And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

“The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

“Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.”²

There seems to me no better answer to the question of why trials come and what we are to do than the words of the Lord Himself, who passed through trials for us more terrible than we can imagine.

You remember His words when He counseled that we should, out of faith in Him, repent:

“Therefore I command you to repent—repent, lest I smite you by the rod of my mouth, and by my wrath, and by my anger, and your sufferings be sore—how sore you know not, how exquisite you know not, yea, how hard to bear you know not.

“For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;

“But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I;

“Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—

“Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men.”³

You and I have faith that the way to rise through and above trials is to believe that there is a “balm in Gilead”⁴ and that the Lord has promised, “I will not … forsake thee.”⁵ That is what President Thomas S. Monson has taught us to help us and those we serve in what seem lonely and overwhelming trials.⁶

But President Monson has also wisely taught that a foundation of faith in the reality of those promises takes time to build. You may have seen the need for that foundation, as I have, at the bedside of someone ready to give up the fight to endure to the end. If the foundation of faith is not embedded in our hearts, the power to endure will crumble.

My purpose today is to describe what I know of how we can lay that unshakable foundation. I do it with great humility for two reasons. First, what I say could discourage some who are struggling in the midst of great adversity and feel their foundation of faith is crumbling. And second, I know that ever-greater tests lie before me before the end of life. Therefore, the prescription I offer you has yet to be proven in my own life through enduring to the end.

As a young man I worked with a contractor building footings and foundations for new houses. In the summer heat it was hard work to prepare the ground for the form into which we poured the cement for the footing. There were no machines. We used a pick and a shovel. Building lasting foundations for buildings was hard work in those days.

It also required patience. After we poured the footing, we waited for it to cure. Much as we wanted to keep the jobs moving, we also waited after the pour of the foundation before we took away the forms.

And even more impressive to a novice builder was what seemed to be a tedious and time-consuming process to put metal bars carefully inside the forms to give the finished foundation strength.

In a similar way, the ground must be carefully prepared for our foundation of faith to withstand the storms that will come into every life. That solid basis for a foundation of faith is personal integrity.

Our choosing the right consistently whenever the choice is placed before us creates the solid ground under our faith. It can begin in childhood since every soul is born with the free gift of the Spirit of Christ. With that Spirit we can know when we have done what is right before God and when we have done wrong in His sight.

Those choices, hundreds in most days, prepare the solid ground on which our edifice of faith is built. The metal framework around which the substance of our faith is poured is the gospel of Jesus Christ, with all its covenants, ordinances, and principles.

One of the keys to an enduring faith is to judge correctly the curing time required. That is why I was unwise to pray so soon in my life for higher mountains to climb and greater tests.

That curing does not come automatically through the passage of time, but it does take time. Getting older does not do it alone. It is serving God and others persistently with full heart and soul that turns testimony of truth into unbreakable spiritual strength.

Now, I wish to encourage those who are in the midst of hard trials, who feel their faith may be fading under the onslaught of troubles. Trouble itself can be your way to strengthen and finally gain unshakable faith. Moroni, the son of Mormon in the Book of Mormon, told us how that blessing could come to pass. He teaches the simple and sweet truth that acting on even a twig of faith allows God to grow it:

“And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.

“For it was by faith that Christ showed himself unto our fathers, after he had risen from the dead; and he showed not himself unto them until after they had faith in him; wherefore, it must needs be that some had faith in him, for he showed himself not unto the world.

“But because of the faith of men he has shown himself unto the world, and glorified the name of the Father, and prepared a way that thereby others might be partakers of the heavenly gift, that they might hope for those things which they have not seen.

“Wherefore, ye may also have hope, and be partakers of the gift, if ye will but have faith.”⁷

That particle of faith most precious and which you should protect and use to whatever extent you can is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Moroni taught the power of that faith this way: “And neither at any time hath any wrought miracles until after their faith; wherefore they first believed in the Son of God.”⁸

I have visited with a woman who received the miracle of sufficient strength to endure unimaginable losses with just the simple capacity to repeat endlessly the words “I know that my Redeemer lives.”⁹ That faith and those words of testimony were still there in the mist that obscured but did not erase memories of her childhood.

I was stunned to learn that another woman had forgiven a person who had wronged her for years. I was surprised and asked her why she had chosen to forgive and forget so many years of spiteful abuse.

She said quietly, “It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I just knew I had to do it. So I did.” Her faith that the Savior would forgive her if she forgave others prepared her with a feeling of peace and hope as she faced death just months after she had forgiven her unrepentant adversary.

She asked me, “When I get there, how will it be in heaven?”

And I said, “I know just from what I have seen of your capacity to exercise faith and to forgive that it will be a wonderful homecoming for you.”

I have another encouragement to those who now wonder if their faith in Jesus Christ will be sufficient for them to endure well to the end. I was blessed to have known others of you who are listening now when you were younger, vibrant, gifted beyond most of those around you, yet you chose to do what the Savior would have done. Out of your abundance you found ways to help and care for those you might have ignored or looked down upon from your place in life.

When hard trials come, the faith to endure them well will be there, built as you may now notice but may have not at the time that you acted on the pure love of Christ, serving and forgiving others as the Savior would have done. You built a foundation of faith from loving as the Savior loved and serving for Him. Your faith in Him led to acts of charity that will bring you hope.

It is never too late to strengthen the foundation of faith. There is always time. With faith in the Savior, you can repent and plead for forgiveness. There is someone you can forgive. There is someone you can thank. There is someone you can serve and lift. You can do it wherever you are and however alone and deserted you may feel.

I cannot promise an end to your adversity in this life. I cannot assure you that your trials will seem to you to be only for a moment. One of the characteristics of trials in life is that they seem to make clocks slow down and then appear almost to stop.

There are reasons for that. Knowing those reasons may not give much comfort, but it can give you a feeling of patience. Those reasons come from this one fact: in Their perfect love for you, Heavenly Father and the Savior want you fitted to be with Them to live in families forever. Only those washed perfectly clean through the Atonement of Jesus Christ can be there.

My mother fought cancer for nearly 10 years. Treatments and surgeries and finally confinement to her bed were some of her trials.

I remember my father saying as he watched her take her last breath, “A little girl has gone home to rest.”

One of the speakers at her funeral was President Spencer W. Kimball. Among the tributes he paid, I remember one that went something like this: “Some of you may have thought that Mildred suffered so long and so much because of something she had done wrong that required the trials.” He then said, “No, it was that God just wanted her to be polished a little more.” I remember at the time thinking, “If a woman that good needed that much polishing, what is ahead for me?”

If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing. In all conditions, we can choose the right with the guidance of the Spirit. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ to shape and guide our lives if we choose it. And with prophets revealing to us our place in the plan of salvation, we can live with perfect hope and a feeling of peace. We never need to feel that we are alone or unloved in the Lord’s service because we never are. We can feel the love of God. The Savior has promised angels on our left and our right to bear us up.¹⁰ And He always keeps His word.

I testify that God the Father lives and that His Beloved Son is our Redeemer. The Holy Ghost has confirmed truth in this conference and will again as you seek it, as you listen, and as you later study the messages of the Lord’s authorized servants, who are here. President Thomas S. Monson is the Lord’s prophet to the entire world. The Lord watches over you. God the Father lives. His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, is our Redeemer. His love is unfailing. I so testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today
I ran sobbing to my daddys arms,
contemplated calling the
police,
and I trusted in the
Lord.

A Year ago today
I sat shaking on the library bench,
too afraid to go home
and then I
left.

A Year ago today
I cried and prayed and
cried
some more.

A Year ago today
my prayers were
answered,
and I was
safe.


                     Many people ask me what happened because they didn't have a clue. I honestly don't remember much, and if I try to I start to get angry which goes against all the hard work  I've done in the past year. I escaped abuse.  I gave up my anger, fear, sadness and hurt to my Savior.  The atonement is so powerful and I am so grateful to have the opportunity to use it fully in my life. I learned that I have to give over all those things and trust that justice will happen, and all i need to do is forgive and let the Lord take care of the rest. It's been an amazing year, and I am starting to be back to my own self.

This past year in no real order: I graduated from BYU, made it into PA school, had my gallbladder out, fell in love, went on lots of dates, made great friends, had my heart broken, learned difficult life lessons, faced my fears of heights, worked hard in therapy to be ok,  learned to rock climb, got a career, registered my car, saw my friend perform in Vegas, and strengthened my testimony. Overall it's been an amazing year and I can't wait to see what I have done and learned in another year.

endometriosis

This is similar to what the growing tissue looks like inside of me:

So I've been living with this stuff growing inside of me for about 9 years now. I've seen about 8 doctors, and no one really has good ideas of what to do. I'm on a birth control that only gives me a menstrual cycle 4x a year. That seems to be helping a bit, I'm not on the couch dying for 3 weeks out of each month. Then last April I had surgery to burn out the growth, like you see above. It helped for about 2 months but then the pain kept getting worse as each month passed.

I went to a new OBGYN in january but she was rude. She did give me numbing medicine for one day when I'm married, but the pain is still there. So I went to a new one today who works in an office that deals with odd and crazy things, like my situation. The doctor was very nice and listened to what I've been going through and really understood that I'm done being told to live with the pain. She is making me get an ultrasound to see if there is anything large growing, then she is going to put me on a shot called Lupron that will induce premature menopause- which will only last 3 months. She is also going to give me a medicine to complement the shot so I don't have hot flashes and night sweats and get all moody.

Then she is sending me to a specialist at St. Josephs hospital who only deals with endometriosis. She said that getting the shot will help shrink the growths and make the pain less, and make it easier for the specialist to get rid of the pain. Then this is the BEST news! She said the specialist can go in for surgery and cut the nerves in and around my pelvis so that I no longer feel the pain! but she said I can still enjoy being with my husband one day because they will only cut the nerves that are leading to the main source of the pain, like to the ovaries and the abdominal wall etc. so I was so thrilled to hear this because I may be able to live an almost pain free life!!! yay!!! I think I will be more excited when my week on narcotics ends and I can think clearly when the worst pain is gone. and this is big, expensive news so i'm full of mixed emotions but so happy that there might be a chance to keep my pain at bay!!! yay!!!!!

If you have any questions about endometriosis or what I'll be going through in the next few months, feel free to ask!!!

New hair!

So I got really tired of my hair growing slow. it's hit that akward point where I can put it in a baby spiky ponytail but if I leave it down it looks like a bush. so I decided to get extensions. I've thought about it before, but they were always so expensive. then I found a hair school that does them! I was nervous because the stylists are still students. but luckily they gave me this awesome black lady who has been doing extensions since she was little. and she did an amazing job! except it hurt, who knew little braids and getting things sewn to your head would hurt? haha it was worth it.

Things lately

So Shon has been away since the middle of february. I got to go see him at the beginning of march, but only for a few days. BUT, he is finally coming home on sunday!!! I am so so so excited!!! When he gets back we are going to go meet his cousin for lunch who is about to get married, so I'm very excited for that. I also have my last day of work at the gym tending to the little ones next wedensday. I love all the girls I work with, but I keep getting colds and stomach flu's from all the babies. I get sneezed on at least 2x each shift and my body just can't fight ALL the icky microbes floating around in aerosols. I just learned that that actually can happen in my microbiology class. gross I know.

On another note, Jess, Josh and baby Henry came to visit and that was super fun and surprising! I don't have a camera so I'm sorry for the lack of photos on this blog... I'll work on that. Anyway Henry is getting so huge! he is such a happy little baby! he is 4 months now! It was so good to have them come visit!

School is going great, just a bit boring since the love of my life isn't there, but it's ok, classes are almost done and despite all the craziness of this semester I am still managing to get good grades. Heavenly Father has definitely been pouring out blessings!!!!

Oh and I got asked to bring desserts to a wedding! I feel like I'm finally getting my foot in the door of dessert catering! Of course there will be no money involved, but it's going to be so fun to make so many treats at once! ahh I'm so excited! especially because then i don't have to et all the leftovers and get sick! Hopefully I'll get asked to do more weddings!!

Gallbladder surgery

Sunday night I was in extreme pain. This pain had been going on for about 8 days, and felt like my liver. I was told I had mono, and so thought my liver was just swollen. But the pain wouldn't go away, kept me up all night, and was no where near my spleen- which is usually what gets inflamed first and the worst in mono. So I called the on call dr. and he said to go to the ER. They did tests and an ultrasound and gave me morphine- which I had a reaction to so it wasn't really super helpful. We got there at 7:30pm and I got to my room to stay over in the hospital at 1:00am. I didn't sleep because I was nervous and dad had to go home so he could work in the morning. My boyfriend is in Idaho and so it was very scary and lonely. Luckily for valentines day he gave me a big pink stuffed puppy, so of course I slept clinging tightly to that. Then they did more blood tests, the surgeon cam and said I would have surgery and they were going to take out my gallbladder. I was in a lot of pain, but since I hadn't been eating because I might have surgery it was ok. When I would eat my gallbladder would freak out. So then mom and dad tried to make it in time for the surgery, which they kept moving up. BUt both my parents got there and it was very nice waiting to go in. The anesthesiologist was LDs so he was very nice and we chatted for a bit. Then I got nervous as they took me back and can't remember very much except being somewhat awake asking to make cupcakes and eating pot roast for dinner. But I kept falling asleep while eating so it wasn't very good. I don't know how or when I got back to my room, but my parents were there, and i just remember them laughing a lot. They told me I should call Shon, so I did but I fell asleep on the phone with him 3 times and I have no idea what I said. So I tried to call him later that night and did a little better but for some reason starting telling him all about taxes. His family came to visit and i got to see the new baby! I even got to hold him! So apparently I'm very funny on anesthesia, which is too bad that my parents didn't record any of it! Yesterday I did better, but was in a lot of weird pain. They let me go home so my friend Holly came to get me and brought her baby too, and he is so cute and handsome! Anyway they said my gallbladder was full of sludge which mean I had passed a stone and my gallbladder was failing to work properly and everything was all backed up. They didn't take any pictures or show me what it looked like which is too bad, but at least it's out!! I have a sweet bruise underneath my belly button in the shape of a Y which is perfect since I went to BYU!!! go cougars!! haha so it was quite an adventure! I will be missing school and work all this week, but it's nice to finally be home and on the mend!! the one sad thing is that i'm not allowed to eat dairy for a while, and if I'm ready to I can only have small amounts. boo! ice cream is my all time favorite food!!!

Some of my poems

It felt so lonely,
who could I talk to?
Had god stopped hearing me?
No, he was there,
always listening, always protecting,
always weeping with me.
And God gave me the
courage
to escape.
He gave me the strength
I needed. He gave me
life.
He kept me from leaving
the earth, he gave me
HOPE.
He never left me,
he will always be there,
he will always listen,
he will always

heal.





We all need attention
from others
to survive.
Without it, we die.




Wearing red nail polish
screams
to the world, I am fierce,
don't mess with me,
I am one sassy lady.
It's like wearing your
personality
on ten little ends,
so everyone will know
before they talk to you.
You mean business.
Too bad my big,
curly hair
gives it all away
before anyone gets
close enough
to understand the signal
of my red nails.

Acceptance Speech

So I was invited to interview at Midwestern University for the PA program. If you are offered an interview it means you are basically accepted, they just want to make sure you are as nice as you made yourself sound on the application.

But after lots of praying and fasting about if PA school was the right choice for me, I got a very intense no. Heavenly Father definitely knows that I need big answers so I can remember how the prompting felt if I get stressed. Because I stress, all the time! So it's been a very exciting and spiritual weekend for me! I canceled my interview and withdrew my application this morning. I also sent them a thank you note because it really meant so much to me that I could have done it! So here is a speech I would like to share, it's almost as if I won a grammy or something. But seriously, it feels so good to have made it and know I could have done it, but that I'm choosing something better for me that the Lord has in store.

I would like to thank all of my family members who have offered their advice and love and support. Particularly my mom and dad and sister. they have listened to me weigh all the options, helped me figure out what I really want, and loved me through it all. i would like to thank my friends for believing in me and helping me re-gain my confidence in myself. I would like to thank my wonderful man for supporting me with whatever I decided, even though PA school would have been a challenge. And most importantly I would like to thank the Lord for giving me the courage and the strength to do so well in school despite the difficult situations I was in. And For never giving up on me, even when I almost gave up on Him. I am so grateful for the opportunity to fast and receive personal revelation through fasting and prayer. I know that the Lord loves each of us, and that His plan will provide so much more happiness than anything I could have thought of. My life is so wonderful, and I am so blessed. I am taking this wonderful experience and letting it finish off a sadness and void, and moving on to the next great adventure of a Masters Program. Thank you to all my teachers and doctors and friends who believed in me, who knew I could be what I wanted and helped me see that. Thank you for believing in me.